


Vulnerable (Everything We Had)

by unseensorrows



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Drama, Insecure!Blaine, M/M, Regret, Season/Series 02, Songfic, kurt_blaine Kiss Kiss Exchange 2011
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3500789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unseensorrows/pseuds/unseensorrows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine has confidence, charm, and wit at Dalton, which is all he's ever wanted. Kurt, however, strips that away and makes him...vulnerable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vulnerable (Everything We Had)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [kurt_blaine](http://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/) Kiss Kiss Exchange back in early 2011. The entry was originally posted anonymously at [kurt_blaine](http://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/) and can be found [here](http://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/865679.html#cutid1).  
> prompt: "Everything We Had - The Academy Is..."

_You were the only face I'd ever known._

_I was the light from the lamp on the floor,_

_and only as bright as you wanted me to be._

In retrospect Kurt should have known from the very start that it wouldn't work out with Blaine. Blaine was the first openly gay guy he'd ever met, so of course he had a crush on him. Blaine had been his first real boyfriend, so of course he'd cried his eyes out when they broke up. Really though, he shouldn't have even blinked because the reality of it had always been staring him in the face- it was high school, his first relationship, and there was no way that it could've lasted.  
  
Blaine was so composed and in control at Dalton, while Kurt had always found the rules and uniforms stifling. Therefore, no one blinked when Kurt transferred back to McKinley because the truth was they all knew he was staying for Blaine and now that they'd broken up he had no reason to be there.  
  
Kurt had hated Dalton but loved Blaine. So for Blaine he'd only ever shined as bright as he could without standing out too much- because that was the way Dalton worked.

 _But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,_  
  
_and I do regret more than I admit._

Blaine was the picture of perfection to many of his peers and as he got to know Kurt more he struggled to maintain that image around him. Kurt knew who he was and wasn't afraid to be that person, even with bullies and threats and forced kisses. This amazed Blaine, who desperately wanted to just see the boy crack because it wasn't fair that he could be so real and bold and not even consider backing off.  
  
But he didn't want Kurt to break, not really. He just wanted to be able to simply be who he was as the younger boy seemed to manage so easily . But he'd made his own image at Dalton, one that was admired and respected; so of course he wouldn't jeopardize that. He'd made his pretty silk bed and now he had to lie in it. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want Kurt in that proverbial bed with him though; and when he heard Kurt was transferring he'd felt a guilty little thrill - it'd be Blaine's school again; he couldn't help it he wanted to know he was in control again, he needed to - before he even thought to be worried.  
  
Blaine was the picture of perfection to his peers and didn't know how to be himself anymore.  
  
_You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink._  
  
_Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist._

It was sort of poetic in an over-played teenage movie kind of way; how Blaine had broken up with him at the same coffee spot where he'd taken the younger boy to after his horrible attempt at spying, the one where he'd been told about his bully who had been making his life miserable. Funny how Blaine was about to make him miserable all over again. Funny in a cynical sort of sense that no one really found humorous at all.

 _Everything we had, everything we had,_  
  
_everything we had, everything we had_  
  
_Is no longer there._

In fact the pain in Kurt's gorgeous eyes wasn't funny at all. Rather, it was heartbreaking. Blaine remained composed, though, of course; even if he was getting rid of everything they had built together. Everything he knew Kurt was hanging on to; everything Blaine himself needed.  
  
He just smiled sadly and talked himself in circles. He never directly said exactly why he was ending it, but it wasn't absolutely required. They both already knew what the reason was.

 _It was the only place I'd ever known._  
  
_Turned off the light on my way out the door._

Dalton was where Blaine had thrived, it was his safe haven. He was able to be poised, proper, and respected; in control. Then a boy had caught him on the stairs one day as he was headed to an impromptu performance in the Senior Commons. He didn't know someone's eyes could have that much emotion swimming just beneath the surface.

From the moment he turned around and saw him standing there, hesitant and out of place, Blaine knew. No, it wasn't sappy love at first sight, but he knew that he had to find out what each of those emotions adding such color to his eyes were. He should've seen it coming, the inevitable attraction between them, the energy...the way Kurt made him want to stop being so perfect and just be himself, the very self he'd wanted to bury upon coming to Dalton.  
  
At first he thought he could do it, he really did. He thought he could ignore that urge to stop the pretense. But every second spent with the boy hit him full on and he was feeling, he was vulnerable and he was scared.  
  
That's why he had to end it.

 _I will be watching wherever you go,_  
  
_through the eyes of a fly on the wall._  
  
_You have been followed back to the same place_  
  
_I sat with you drink for drink._  
  
_Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist._

Blaine hadn't really thought about it at first, what Kurt going back to McKinley meant. He'd been too preoccupied thinking about what it meant for him. How now he was a little bit lonely, a tiny bit relieved, and very confused.  
  
But then he remembered.  
  
And he wondered - was the pain the bullies caused Kurt at McKinley really that much easier to handle than Dalton? Would it get worse now that he was transferring back?  
  
Blaine found himself driving the route from Westerville to McKinley once every week or two, just to spend twenty minutes in the parking lot to watch Kurt - to make sure the bullies were leaving him alone. They always did, and so Blaine would always end up watching Kurt walk to his car, usually with Finn and driving off. Sometimes Mercedes or someone else from his glee club would jump in the Navigator as well, but Kurt's expression never changed.

 _Everything we had, everything we had,_  
  
_everything we had, everything we had_  
  
_Is no longer there, longer there._

Kurt always had a small smile on his lips that made Blaine's stomach lurch with...what was it? Guilt? Envy? Regret?

 _Well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out._  
  
_For you, I am blinded._  
  
_For you, I am blinded, for you._

Several weeks later and Blaine was laughing bitterly. He'd ended things with Kurt because of how vulnerable it left him, a feeling he loathed ever since he was bullied at his own school.

 _I am no gentleman, I can be a prick._  
  
_And I do regret more than I admit._  
  
_You have been followed back to the same place_  
  
_I sat with you drink for drink._  
  
_Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist._

He didn't think to consider that even once Kurt was gone, back and content at McKinley that he'd still feel that way. It was like he'd built a dam around himself, but then Kurt Hummel had come along and suddenly the flood gates just wouldn't close.

 _Everything we had, everything we had,_  
  
_(You have been followed, you have been followed.)_  
  
_Everything we had, everything we had._  
  
_(You have been followed, you have been followed.)_  
  
_Everything we had, everything we had,_  
  
_(You have been followed, you have been followed.)_

Everything he'd done had been pointless, he'd pushed away everything they had. But he still felt the same with or without the younger boy now.  
  
Well, that was a lie. He felt a lot more empty and lonely. He felt more vulnerable than ever once he realized that he had been bullying himself into changing once he came to Dalton.  
  
Most of all he felt very, very stupid.

_Everything we had..._

The way Kurt was, the sincerity and compassion he possessed had scared and enamored Blaine. He found himself wondering why he'd let the fear take control, because he was the one holding himself back. Kurt's passion for being himself had surfaced a need to feel the same, but he was the one who had decided to hold himself back.  
  
At the time Kurt had needed him to face his bullies, to feel safe. But now Blaine needed him to deal with himself. Despite him knowing all about his own mask, that damnable pride of his stopped him anytime he considered attempting any sort of contact with Kurt.  
  
He so desperately wanted to take Kurt back to the coffee shop and laugh and cry at himself and beg for Kurt to understand.  
  
He didn't really think he deserved that much, though.

 _I'll be with you wherever you go,_  
  
_through the eyes of a fly on the wall_

Everything they had was what Blaine needed, but he knew he didn't deserve it.  
  
Besides, Kurt was at McKinley again and he could never quite convince himself that he could make that boy smile the way he did. The way Blaine found himself driving two hours for just to chicken out of approaching him.  
  
Courage?  
  
He didn't know the meaning.

—-  
  
Dalton was where Blaine had thrived, it was his safe haven. He was able to be poised, proper, and respected; in control. Then a boy had caught him on the stairs one day as he was headed to an impromptu performance in the Senior Commons. He didn't know someone's eyes could have that much emotion swimming just beneath the surface, and he'd forgotten the being vulnerable wasn't always a bad thing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this ol' thing!


End file.
